#14 in Progress

So, I started a 10 day detox plan created by a company called sunfare. It consists of a couple of “medical” shakes and about 1000 calories of meals/snacks a day. Each day they deliver a cooler to the porch by 6am.

I began Monday morning by skipping my cup of coffee and drinking a quart of organic sludge on my drive to work. It was pasty, but manageable. At around 9am, I had one Asian chicken lettuce cup. It tasted like rabbit food. I then canceled my pre Clipper game brunch with Dad because that would just be torture. At 11:30am I forced down a cold piece of Salmon and pineapple before heading off to the game. I just kept telling myself, nothing tastes better than skinny.

Once at the game I tried to ignore the hot dogs and beer. Luckily, the Clippers are pretty entertaining, so no big deal. At halftime I ordered a bottle of water (a first!) and settled in for the rest of the game. It was around the fourth quarter mark that I started to feel a bit off. The Clippers blew a big lead and were soon tied, but I knew I was nauseous for another reason. I fought off the urge to puke on heads of the grandfather and grandson sitting in front of us for the rest of the game and gave my Dad a quick hug and took off for the exits (no way was I puking in a Staples Center bathroom).

I tried to walk as quickly as possible to the restaurants across the street without losing my lunch. I settled on the Rockin’ Fish and Seafood restaurant because I already knew where the bathroom was and couldn’t spare any time. I literally plugged my nose when entering and made a beeline for the bathroom and found the one and only stall empty. A true miracle considering the game just finished.

I hung up my sports coat, kneeled down and made my sacrifice to the porcelain God. The sheer volume and violence of the transaction quickly brought me back to college. Which now reminds me that Marquette beat Louisville, so I’m still marking the day down as a good one. Anyway, back to my knees. The jerking motion caused my sunglasses to fall into the pot which actually made me chuckle because that’s exactly how I’d write the scene. Unfortunately, they were just expensive enough that I had to fish them out with my hand. Ten minutes later, face drenched with sweat, I was ready to call it a day.

I bought a bottle of water and drove home. The minute I opened the front door of my house I realized I wasn’t done. I hurried into the bathroom an emptied my stomach of the water I had just drank. Although I had nothing else to give, the convulsions lasted for another five or six times. Confident I had given everything I could, I shuffled off to the den and passed out on the couch.

Later that evening, I canceled my 10 day cleanse. But on the bright side, I lost one pound.